crisp nature with a side of cynicism

I walked out my front door and the chill caught my sweater and moved it off of my stomach, the chill caught my cheek and reminded me of the soon to be coming season, filled with sweaters, colors, falling leaves, and hot coffee. I couldn't help but think about what last fall brought me.
It brought me the definition of nonexistence it taught me that as leaves fall and lose their home forever, that I too lost my home. I lost my safety. I lost my easiness. 
It was 5am and we were walking around the ground level of the hotel drinking coffee and embracing warmly, we didn't know how to do anything else. my sanity was upstairs, preparing. preparing for the future? or the dismal present? 
...to be determined later on

we went to the hospital and they told us, "don't be scared, we do hundreds of these a day" but out of the 1 in 200 that are burdened with this burdened you got it. so I wasn't to keen on the lingo that the doctors used. 

as I predicted, they didn't know what they were talking about.

"there were complications during the surgery," they said to us, "she bled out too quickly and there was nothing we could do that would have helped her quick enough." 

I couldn't cry, I couldn't think, I couldn't do anything besides shake (I had at least 6 cups of coffee since 5am) and run outside to have a cigarette. 

an hour later, I went to call you to tell you my news. to my surprise my pocket vibrated, it was your phone. you gave it to me before going in, you told me to answer it if someone were to call while you were in surgery, "tell them ill call them back" you said. but now, no one would speak with you again. my safety, my comfort, gone. just like that. 

it took months to get everything cleaned out and reorganized. i call your cell phone every now and again to hear your voice,it helps me feel closer to you, which is something intangible now. 

its fall again, and as the leaves fall, my heart drops and am reminded of the hurt I felt a year ago. you left me, standing in the cold hair with no sweater. you were my warm hand and my blanket. 


then he walked over, draped a blanket over my shoulders, gave me a cup of scolding coffee, and held me. his words: "i know this is a difficult time for you, i know you miss her, but I'm yours. my hand fits your perfectly, let it fit yours as it should. I've waited my whole life to have your hand."

and so I took it. and I eased as much as I could. and as i sat there entangled in a divine human, I thought about how much nonexistence burdens a life, it is the scariest concept there is. with the last sip of coffee I let the thought go.